Conservative radio hosts used Colorado killings to justify gun-toting citizenry, as they did after Virginia Tech massacre
Summary: Following the December 9 shootings in which four people were killed at two Colorado religious organizations, talk radio hosts Dan Caplis of 630 KHOW-AM and Amy Oliver of 1310 KFKA referenced the tragedies to suggest that law-abiding citizens carrying concealed firearms in public places would help prevent similar crimes. Caplis asserted that "the reality is, if you or someone around you is not armed the next time this mass murderer shows up in public, they're going to be able to kill you and your family," while Oliver claimed that people who carry concealed weapons "keep the rest of us safe."
As Colorado Media Matters noted, within a day of the April 16 shooting rampage at Virginia Tech that left 32 victims and the gunman dead, several conservative Colorado radio hosts -- including 630 KHOW-AM's Dan Caplis and 1310 KFKA's Amy Oliver -- called for arming students and teachers to prevent them from becoming victims of armed criminals. Similarly, following the December 9 shootings that left four people dead at the Youth With a Mission dormitory in Arvada and New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Caplis and Oliver again promoted the idea that law-abiding citizens carrying concealed firearms would help prevent similar crimes.
In a December 10 online article, the Rocky Mountain News reported, "A 24-year-old man embittered after being kicked out of missionary school three years ago carried out Sunday's deadly rampages in Colorado Springs and Arvada, police said today." The News further reported:
Matthew J. Murray, who was killed by a New Life Church security guard during his second attack, had recently sent "hate mail" to the target of his first attack -- Youth With A Mission training center in Arvada -- according to a police document supporting a warrant to search the Murray family's home in Arapahoe County.
[...]
As people were leaving the Colorado Springs megachurch just after 1 p.m. Sunday, the gunman clad in a black coat "deployed distraction devices, possibly in the form of homemade smoke grenades, and/or improvised explosive devices" in the parking lot and began spraying gunfire, the affidavit says.
The gunman killed Stephanie Works, 18, and Rachael Works, 16, outside the church. The girls' father, David Works, 51, was shot in the abdomen and groin area in the attack and remained hospitalized in fair condition.
But Murray's attack was halted after he entered the church foyer. A security guard shot the gunman dead.
The El Paso County coroner reported on December 11 that contrary to the initial reports, an autopsy indicated Murray was shot several times by the security guard before inflicting a fatal wound upon himself.
A caller on the December 10 broadcast of The Caplis & Silverman Show said that "the Democrats have taken over, and the first thing they're going to try and do is tax you to death and take away your guns." After the caller continued, "And I hope when they try and take away your concealed-carry permits people remember this incident," Caplis later remarked, "[T]he reality is, if you or someone around you is not armed the next time this mass murderer shows up in public, they're going to be able to kill you and your family. And that's the harsh reality."
Oliver referenced the shootings on her program the same day to argue against "gun-free zone[s]" and to assert that people who carry concealed weapons "keep the rest of us safe":
From the December 10 broadcast of 630 KHOW-AM's The Caplis & Silverman Show:
CALLER: Well, you know, when I go to church I carry. And when I sit with my 1-year-old and my wife, we go to the children's room. And we, I always sit behind the door so that should something happen -- and I always go over this in my head every Sunday -- I say, if something happens, I got to remember to drop to the floor so when I shoot up at him when all these people are around, I'm going to hit the ceiling if I miss.
CRAIG SILVERMAN (co-host): Well, let's back up a little bit, [caller]. Do you have a concealed-carry permit?
CALLER: I do, of course.
SILVERMAN: And --
CALLER: And I thank God for Colorado and I hope everybody listening remembers this. Because the Democrats have taken over, and the first thing they're going to try and do is tax you to death and take away your guns. And I hope when they try and take away your concealed-carry permits people remember this incident.
SILVERMAN: Well, it seems to me that the Democrats have been in charge in the legislature for a while and that effort hasn't been made.
CALLER: Usually about 10 years. Usually about 10 years, Craig.
SILVERMAN: Well, here's what I'd prefer, [caller]. And frankly, I don't think you should be making this a partisan thing today. If you want to, God love you. But I think we are united and you're trying to make it, you know, "Democrats are responsible." But, you know, come on. I just think that that's ridiculous on a day like this with the tragedy so fresh.
CALLER: Well, I know it is, but I think we need to nail that point home and this is to show how important it is that citizenry, people are armed. I mean these kinds of things are going to happen over and over and over. After 9-11, I said to myself, once I move to Colorado, I'm never going to go to the mall or go to church without carrying something to defend myself. I'm not going to be a lamb to the slaughter. And I hope, I hope more people -- this was one out of three that was able to react, guys. One out of three, thank God there was strength in numbers. What if there was only one and he was the one who froze? How sad would that be?
CAPLIS: Yeah. And, [caller], I have to tell you, it is so difficult for me to wrap my mind around this, and I only could after Columbine. But the reality is, there are going to be those moments where if you're not armed or somebody around you isn't armed, then the killer's going to win. Because law enforcement can only do so much. And there are going to be --
CALLER: It takes them a long time to react most times to get there.
CAPLIS: And in this case, thank God, this brave -- we'll find out at four-thirty in her press conference if she's current law enforcement; we believe she has some law-enforcement background. You know, thank God this brave woman stepped up and did not freeze and saved all of the other potential victims. But the reality is, if you or someone around you is not armed the next time this mass murderer shows up in public, they're going to be able to kill you and your family. And that's the harsh reality.
[...]
CAPLIS: Now, you're going to have a lot of people out there thinking right now, boy, you know, that's true, that that is the harsh reality, but I just can't bring myself to carry a gun. I completely respect those folks. And then the question is, so where does that leave you? That leaves you playing the numbers game. Just rolling the roulette wheel and taking that chance with your life and the life of your family. I mean, that's -- and are your chances, are your odds getting worse with the passage of time.
From the December 10 broadcast of 1310 KFKA's The Amy Oliver Show:
OLIVER: Thank God that somebody in that church was armed and took that guy out before he could do any more damage. It was horrific enough the way it ended up, but could have been so much worse had a young woman -- and I'm assuming she's young; I don't know that for a fact -- but had a woman not been armed and not known how to use a gun. So to all of you out there who have concealed weapons and you carry them, you keep the rest of us safe. Because that's the other thing too. You know, you don't have a security guard in your church, in your house of worship, or you don't have a security guard at your school available all the time. Once again, what happens is, if somebody comes in this whole gun-free zone, somebody comes in and says, or decides they're going to take out a bunch of people, unless somebody's armed, again, it can be like shooting fish in a barrel. That is why it is not unreasonable to allow people who are, who have demonstrated good judgment, who have the training and the proper knowledge to allow them to have a weapon in the places where, that are most vulnerable. Houses of worship, schools, malls -- things like that.
—T.S.P. & J.F.B.
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Another senseless tragedy and a mindless response from the morons of righty radio, Olive Oil and Clapplis. Tony Perkins of the "Family Research Cons" chimed in with his absurd statement blaming the "secular media" for this horrendous act. The caller to the Clapplis show claiming he "carried" while in church is so ludicrous it approaches borderline insanity. Olive Oil's "keep the rest of us safe" declaration of stupidity belongs right up there with "mission accomplished". I feel very sad for the victims and their families and friends. But the reaction of Perkins, Olive Oil, and Clappliss are truly inflammatory and nothing more than self serving opportunistic garbage in a time of real suffering and tragedy.
Excellent logic!!! The way to AVOID more gun-toting tragedies is to ARM EVERYONE!!
Terrorists and psycho killers like the guy in Colorado Springs don't attack police stations; they go after soft, defenseless targets, where they can kill virtually at will. Given that terrorists and psycho killers are here to stay, at least for the forseeable future. the best way to "harden" the endless variety of soft targets is giving people the means to defend themselves. And that might mean arming them. The so-called first responders rarely arive first to such incidents -- mostly, they end up picking up the bodies or methodically sweeping the area, after calling in SWAT. We can't count on the "professionals" to either anticipate or prevent such attacks, as recent history shows. We must redefine the concept of civil defense for this new era, placing more of the responsibility on armed and prepared individuals. Or maybe the lefties who produce and frequent this site, since they entrust all other of life's responsibilities to government, think we can't be responsible for our own self-defense. And a canister of mace wouldn't have stopped the nut who went on a rampage at New Life Church. It took an armed individual. What these two radioheads are saying makes sense. It's this site that doesn't.
Wrap your head around this one. The guy that did the shooting probably had his guns legally. Maybe if guns weren't so easy to get, legally, and illegally, this might not have happened.
Why can't a tragedy just be a tragedy? Why does there have to be a left and right side to it. Here's the thing chief. If you have someone who is as unhinged as this individual was, they will do whatever it takes to carry out their "mission". What would have happened if the shooter had been even better prepared and had worn heavy body armor? More people would have died. The security guard had a gun, which is good, and was able to stop this person. A security guard having a weapon, and a normal civilian having a weapon are 2 different things I would think, completely different.
These yahoos, and people like yourself are trying to use a senseless tragedy to forward your agenda of everyone having a gun. Guess what? You can get one now? What's stopping ou? Are you armed on a daily basis just in case some random shooting occurs?
It's also funny to me that this guy who called into this show was talking about first thing democrats do is tax you to death, and take away your guns. Nobody is even talking about doing either of those from the democratic side.
You right wingers make me laugh. Might is right. Violence solves everything, and so on. If we had MORE gun control in this country, gun deaths would be lessened just like in countries where there is gun control. And these incidences are so rare, it's almost statistically impossible to be involved in one.
But hey, I know, you're scared, You'd better go run and hide under your bed because the big bad terrorists, and unhinged people are coming to get you.
Clearly more guns in the hands of ordinary folk will contribute to solution of the Malthus problem - help reduce over-population.
Colorado Contrarian: We’re all a bunch of lefties here? Now that wasn’t very nice. But that’s OK. But I’ll agree that Caplis is a ‘radiohead’. And it is interesting to watch Caplis vilify the Denver Post for running the church killer’s photo and glorifying the evil kid, while Caplis is such an expert on self-glorification.
If you want to help protect yourself and society from such horrific killers, good for you. But guys like Caplis and some others have a hero and weird superiority fixation, as well as anger issues, and I believe him to be dangerous in this regard.
This is a guy who wanted to call Invesco Field ‘Hero’s Field’ or the Denver Airport ‘Hero’s Airport’, in what I believe was a personal shrine specifically to his Dad-the-cop as much as his stated reason of honoring veterans, cops, firemen etc. But the name was just weird, and so is Dan. Caplis is the guy who thinks it is grammatically correct, as CMM pointed out, to call it the ‘Democrat Party’, but he can’t call Jeanne Assam a grammatically correct ‘Heroine’, and must say ‘Hero’. Even his show song is hero fixated. Caplis is a hero wannabe and when he is packing a concealed gun, which he probably does, I believe he is a danger to others. Caplis wants to be a hero and wants to be worshiped.
Heck, Dan is so into himself and his interests that I would be afraid to accidentally run into one of his kids on a ski slope, because even if completely accidental, he’d probably knock your teeth out at best. The next time he has another road rage encounter at his dry cleaners, or nearly gets into a fist-to-cuffs at a golf course, look out. If a Dan Caplis rear-ended your car and you exit your vehicle flailing your arms in frustration, watch out, in my opinion.
So protect us all as you want, and thank you. But to the Caplis’ of the world, or even the soccer mom who wants to shoot first and ask questions later, they need to be on death row if they armed themselves for the wrong, hero-fixated reasons, and set themselves up for mistaken interpretation of a threat level and become possible executioners of non-violent, innocent people. You can say there are no examples of this happening, but look out, because they are probably coming. Just my opinion.co3038, we've been over this a million times with your alter ego "spongebob". NOBODY's stopping you from owning as many guns as you wish. 3, 5, 10, 100 guns.......own 'em if you can afford 'em. You can go get a CCW (that's not "CWP", sponge) and the hoops are minimal, actually laughable. Gomer, eustes, and barney fife qualify EASILY for a Colorado/reciprocal CCW. And believe me, I worry almost as much about some tough guy wannabe private citizen CCW holder making bad decisions under pressure as a, what did you call the church shooter......"terrorists and psycho-killers". From your post, I gather that any information I just gave you is your first clue as to how easy it is in Colorado for any non felon to buy a firearm. So I'm figuring you're just some pissed off, bitter conserve repub that blames "lefties" for all your problems instead of just admitting that when you vote red, you're voting against yourself. To find the root of your problems, look in the mirror.
NEWMAN, didn't see your post 'till I posted mine. Great job. Yeah, sniffer probably goes heavy. Never thought about it before I read your post. SCARY! correct on the "hero" hangup. legend in his own mind doesn't come close to describing sniffer's vision of self. Honestly, the thought of that putz armed scares me immensely. And the hypothetical of him armed, trying to decide between reason and fight/flight instinct tilts hard right (bad decision due to panic, a consistent repub malady). And, as with anyone else, should sniffer harm an innocent person while typically overreacting to what he perceives to be a dangerous situation, he should suffer the same fate as any other wannabe tough guy without a clue as to what they're doing. In the matter of the church shooting, the perpetrator was taken down by a POLICE TRAINED PROFESSIONAL. Great training, great decision making, excellent work on her part. sniffer has none of her qual's and doesn't know what he's talking about. But then, when has that ever meant anything to sniffer?
The Born Supremacy of Dan Caplis*
Part 1 of 2:
Well, well, Danny had another busy week last week, and it is hard to catch up! There’s apparently a strip club on an alley by the Pearl Street Mall and Caplis bleats regarding the women working there: ‘They’re all someone’s daughter!’. True Dan, and so are the CU coeds you branded as whores.
And the sanctimony continued. Caplis says if the majority of a community wants strip clubs removed, to heck with zoning and other laws. This free market advocate and senatorial wannabe says he would even outlaw them entirely, given the choice, and says these businesses should be allowed only if the majority of the community wants them. Do you want to open that can of worms, Dan? And so much for all that ‘free will’ that Caplis some times talks about, and Bill of Rights be damned, because Caplis-the-Inquisitor is on the job. And he should know all about strip clubs. He’s been to strip clubs several times and more times than most, he says. I wonder if the ever-enlightened Caplis surveyed the neighborhoods around those strip clubs where he frequented, to see if the majority of people liked their location.
But then it got confusing, because Caplis says that statistically these kinds of things, though attracting many normal guys, also ‘attracts perverts’, and ‘those perverts are going to be around the families’. Even if the percentage of perverts are one-half of one percent, you are inviting problems, sex crimes will be higher, and it is a legitimate basis for moving these things out of a community, according to Dan.
It is kind of amazing that this same exact argument could apply to some of the clergy of the Catholic Church, by Caplis standards. So, is Caplis advocating moving the Catholic Church, along with strip clubs, out of communities or to isolated industrial areas or farther, and away from families? After all, no matter all the good done by the Church, haven’t some conflicted, dangerous perverts been put in horribly close proximity to families? I believe the Archbishop, in the past, put the number of problem priests at around four percent, which is much higher than Dan’s one-half of one percent. What should be done, Dan, if there is an entity with possibly an eight times worse risk of abuse, and the victims are even younger and more vulnerable? What is it that you are advocating Dan? You called the recent rash of teacher sex crimes an ‘epidemic’? What does that make the years and years of priest sex abuse, Dan—a pandemic? Why haven’t you vilified the Church more, as you do with all others who have made horrible mistakes or abused or allowed the abuse of the most innocent?
Continued and JMOThe Born Supremacy of Dan Caplis*
Part 2 of 2:
But before you get the wrong impression, I am certainly not anti-Catholic. Far from it. Some of my best friends are Catholic. I work with Catholics, and I’ve represented Catholics. I love Catholics! And I am a strong supporter for real Catholics, like Dan’s parents, and all the good Catholics I know and respect, but not the Catholic Elites, like Dan, who don’t represent the values and best interests of the common Catholic, in my opinion.
And Dan’s supremacy continues about the baseball steroid scandal, as Caplis wants an asterisk next to all proven steroid users, or their impressive stats erased. (I knew Caplis left his ‘H’s’ back in Chicago, so that the word human is now ‘yuman’, but I didn’t know he left a few ‘s’s’ back there, too, so now we have ’asterick’ and ‘oppozzite’.)
*Dan Caplis: I’ve already said that by Caplis standards, Dan himself is the Barry Bonds of attorneys: He’s juiced his private practice with Plugola for years. I think Dan may also be a Barry Bonds type of Christian, by Dan’s own standard as well: He wears the ‘jewelry’ of Christianity, or the outer accoutrements of being a Christian, but he generally treats people like crap—very unchristian, and Jesus had a few things to say about hypocrisy, while Dan glosses over hypocrisy all the time—unless it is a foe’s hypocrisy.
Anyway, As Caplis wants to keep taking a hard line on bending the rules, so will I and I’ll have to keep mentioning that ‘Plugola’ is a real thing. Similar to ‘Payola’ in the broadcast world, it is defined as ‘the on-air promoting or ‘plugging’ of goods or services, that is intended for self-promotion and not paid for or underwritten by an independent sponsor’. Caplis knows and has said his constant plugging of his own law practice is to his benefit. To paraphrase him, he has admitted that he actively engages in self promotion. Should a man-O-morals be ‘tweaking’ his performance for an added advantage over others? This is not just an occasional contextual mention of his law background. This is a purposeful, constant plugging to gain benefit. Caplis needs this asterisk by his name, indicating he bent the rules to make extra money and enrich himself, which is on the very fringes of morality and ethics. All just in my opinion.Again, thanks NEWMAN. As always, your post was fabulous. I never get tired of reading your "danecdotes". BTW, sniffer's on now, gutting Rep. Degette over her vote on that absurd "Christian resolution" brought to the House floor by that nut job steve king (r) Iowa. Actually, craig's showing a little backbone today. The start of a trend? Naaaaaaaawwww, didn't think so. Keep bloggin' NEWMAN!
Letkemann, you’re too kind, and thanks. Your erudite, witty posts are a pleasure, and some of them take things to a higher level. For example, I had no idea Caplis’ pi firm had any interests in the Columbine tragedy, as you mentioned. I am simply disgusted that Caplis, over years and years, is lauded for being a rational and fair voice about anything, including Columbine. I’ll probably address this in more detail at some other time, and sorry in advance I’ll go off on that subject too. As far as Silverman growing a backbone, I look at it slightly different. I believe the very likable and humorous Silverman touches on Caplis’ double standards as much as he can without setting Dan into a total tail spin. Frankly, I think Silverman knows Dan is whacked enough to send their show in a free-fall of bickering nearing violence on Caplis’ part if Silverman ever treated Caplis with the dismissive condescension that Caplis treats Silverman too. I think Craig is just remaining pragmatic enough to not throw the whole show over the edge, which would make good radio but wouldn’t be good for their paychecks or self-promotion. So after the following year-end 'greeting card' I’m posting, I’ll try to keep the posting more under control, or at least shorter posts. With the democratic convention coming to town and Caplis apparently gearing up for a senate run, it will be an interesting year to come. Best to you and happy new year! Just my opinion.
A Very Caplis Christmas, Part 1 With the holidays and another year near a close, it is time to study how things are going in Dan’s World. Can you imagine the Christmas Dinner Party that might have happened at the Caplis house? Satirically, what could be more idealistic than a diverse mixture of people at Dan’s home? Can you also imagine all the friends and acquaintances and notables that Dan might invite to dinner, as he’s made so many ‘friends’ over the last few years? From Ward Churchill to Lisa Simpson to Mary Lacy to Ken Gordon to Ken Salazar, it is a time for good cheer with your fellow men…and women. Let’s set the table, as to what might have gone on in Dan’s World over Christmas. But first, it is not just about dinner parties and entertaining. In the Caplis livin’-the-dream trophy life, you are busy with activities all the time. How else do you remain at the center of the universe, after all? Christmas time, of course, would have to start with a quick trip to the ski slopes and hobnob with the Vail Valley crowd, far away from the blue collar horde he claims to champion. Or maybe just a brunch with the family in downtown Denver before the big dinner party later. Since there is little time right now to volunteer at the soup kitchens in Denver…there’s plenty of time for the family to do that in full campaign mode later on…Dan does take this opportunity for a learning moment, and to teach the Caplis children the finer points of ‘Caplis-speak’. Dan explains an example: If you are in a buffet brunch at one of the finest eating establishments in Denver, like you are now, and they serve soup and have a kitchen; technically you are in a soup line at a kitchen. You see how easy this works? Now, if you pull out the chair for your lovely mother and help her be seated…there you have it…you’ve helped in a Denver soup kitchen over the holidays! I’ve done this for years, Dan instructs. Just like touting the risk of life and limb for farm workers as a civil rights activist…When you may have really driven in Chicago and honked a car horn in support of a picket line. And if you’re caught in sanctimony and self-righteousness? That’s right! Become more sanctimonious and self righteous! Then fake some humbleness, throw out a worthless compliment to your foes, and then you shower them all with pure venom and judgment. It works every time! You see, this is the trophy life! Such learning moments with the children are grand, and it gave the holiday an added golden glow, just like every perfect day in the Dan’s World.satirically continued,
A Very Caplis Christmas, Part 2 But after the buffet, it is time to trek to Church for Mass, concealing and carrying, of course, as there is never a bad time to be a hero. Then it is important to hustle home, for the big dinner party is coming up quick, and the caterers probably need a swift kick to be ready. Plus Dan had to check that no illegal immigrants were part of the catering staff. That would never do for a senator-to-be. Not that that there’s anything wrong with illegals finding a better life here, so long as they have no other arrest record, criminal past, or criminal activity here. Too bad Dan’s own lineage proudly includes illegal immigration, IRA membership, and bootlegging (Is he trying for a Kennedy comparison?). But those are all different, according to Dan. What a long guest list they have this year! They of course have invited Dan’s uncle, the priest. Lisa Simpson and Mary Lacy will make the journey. Dan has a wide spectrum of friends and acquaintances, and he has friends who are strippers, prostitutes, and many past conquests that he became close to in his younger days (because he can handle the intimacy that others can’t and shouldn’t) and many are invited. Pasha Cowan, the owner of an escort service, who said her escorts were likely to have had sex with CU football recruits, was even invited. She was, however, relegated what Dan labeled the ‘whore table’, with Lisa Simpson, an unnamed CU female trainer, and Dan’s prostitute friends. Kobe Bryant’s accuser was seated far away, at the head of the main table. You cannot say that Dan is not a fair guy to invite this diverse crowd! Dan was giving Craig Silverman a verbal invitation earlier, but Craig started saying ‘thank you, I’ll come’ too soon, and interrupted Dan slightly. Dan shouted ‘I’m not done!’ and quickly dis-invited Craig. The Naked Jogger Priest was invited, and even came early to see if he could do some clothing-optional shaving, but Dan said he could attend but no shaving of any kind. The guests were treated to a tour of the grand home if they preferred. Some declined the tour to the master suite, because after all the plumbing supply commercials on his show, none were too interested if the hinting about having communal Caplis family baths would come up again. Ted Haggard was there and seemed rather curious to find out if the large Caplis ‘package’ that Dan also continually hints about on his ‘family show’ was actually true. Mike Jones was there but kept his distance from Haggard, and certainly didn’t go on the upstairs tour. Mike said something about not wanting anywhere near senator types and bathrooms. Some of the invited guests didn’t come. Phil Anschutz, James Dobson, Mike Shanahan and Dan O’Dowd all sent their regrets, as with Dan’s nose so far up their backsides all year, they needed a little break time. George Bush, who will go down as one of the greatest presidents in all of history, according to Dan, lied and said he was busy. Dan forgave the lie, because it is OK for a politician to lie, if it is a means to an end, like a ban on abortion, though Dan has also said it is never OK for a politician to lie—It must all be up to Dan’s unbiased discretion! Dan dis-invited Hank Brown at the last minute, as Dan found out Brown wanted us completely out of Iraq long ago, without reservation, and said so on the Aaron Harber show. That troubled the political hack side of Dan, especially after lauding Hank Brown’s likeness as deserving of Mount Rushmore. satirically continued,
A Very Caplis Christmas, Part 3 The atheist caller to his radio show was invited, but sent Dan his regrets, as he had enough abuse after Dan called his honestly held religious beliefs total B.S., which Dan would never stand for regarding his own beliefs. The older gentleman call-in to his show, who painfully recounted his abuse by a northeastern Colorado priest, and which Dan called one of his accusations ‘garbage*’, didn’t come. Emotionally agitated, as Dan kept saying ‘if’ true, and ‘if’ it happened, the caller said half of the priests at that parish were abusive at the time. Should this victim’s agitation be forgiven, even by Dan? Hopefully, Dan did the math and in a small parish, if one of two priests were abusive, the gentleman who sounded so tormented may have been very near correct. But Caplis got the garbage comment in, which was most important, it seems. The ‘lion*’ of a man, sharp businessman, close friend, and superior athletic director, Dick Tharp, was invited but was too busy honing his executive jet appraisal skills, so to be as accurate as possible on the next major donation to CU. Ward Churchill, the considerate dinner guest, did attend, and brought a huge bottle of whiskey and a box of candy bars to Dan as house-warmers. As Dan says he can never get drunk no matter how much whiskey he drinks, but a candy bar will give him a buzz, Churchill was certainly aiming to please. Dan didn’t, however, appreciate Ward’s quip about Caplis’ claim of only being drunk one time, and that must be his constant drunk on media power. Ward forwarded Glenn Spagnuolo’s best wishes, but Glenn said he would not attend, though invited. Glenn told Ward that if Dan could drag out a dinner party the way he could drag out a lawsuit, only to drop it later, Glenn didn’t want to sit through the whole thing. Plus, Dan is too much of a hot head to be around. Heck, he basically threatened violence against Glenn for his opinion about police officers, including Dan’s father, on the well documented facts surrounding police abuses during the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention. It must have been Glenn’s fault that Dan proudly puts his father in front of the Conrad Hilton with other officers at that fateful time, while Dan’s questioning seemed to be angled for a moral indignation drama on-air against Spagnuolo.
Coach Barnett planned to attend, but changed his mind when he heard this old quote from Caplis: ‘Why does he need to be talking to the witnesses against his players…why does he need to talk to the victims of sex assaults, and domestic violence crimes? The police can do that, the prosecutors can do that. They don’t need him doing what he’s doing. He’s intimidating these witnesses! I have a big problem with that*.’ Too bad Coach Barnett didn’t realize the double standards Caplis has, and that Caplis wasn’t even talking about him. And also worrying Barnett was he heard that Caplis labeled Tom Osborne as ‘sex pervert*’ (Note: Caplis retracted this). If Osborne was a sex pervert for what happened in his player scandals, Barnett was scared to death what Caplis might label his scandals after Caplis had a few too many candy bars.
satirically continued
A Very Caplis Christmas, Part 4
Speaking of coaches, Rick Neuheisel was invited, as he was a friend of Dan’s and even gave the infant son of Caplis one of his first gifts. As Rick was later thrown under the bus by Dan, he declined. It’s not like Caplis won’t put his career and family first, but Rick surely can’t. Mayor Pye of Centennial declined and said Caplis should go stuff himself instead of the turkey for the party, and added mayors have to be fair to all legal businesses, including the mother of all strip clubs, and then called Caplis the mother of all….well, we’ll leave it at that. Katie Hnida and Katie Couric were invited but didn’t attend, and the ever-rational Caplis surmised they were still conspiring together to derail CU football recruiting with the timing of interviews. Governor Ritter declined after Caplis obviously rescinded his statement that Ritter would ‘make the perfect Colorado Governor*’.
The Al Jazeera journalist, a radio guest who Dan liked so much upon meeting, that Dan wanted him to stay at his home, declined his invitation at the last minute. You see, when the journalist found out that earlier, Dan said the journalist’s own offices at Al Jazeera were fair targets for bombing by the U.S., as they aided the enemy per Caplis, the journalist didn’t feel welcome anymore. It did validate Dan’s chicken hawk status, in wanting to bomb first from his broadcast (or senate) chair, and worry about real enemies, real consequences, and real human dignity later. Dan says he is a guy who prides himself on saying things to your face, but the journalist felt that Dan made a big oversight not to tell a guest he could be a fair target for death. Lots of the Caplis inner circle of friends didn’t show up, either. As Dan bizarrely must know or seems to know how many women friends have had abortions, and seems to know most of his friend’s opinion on abortion, many declined the invitation, as emotional toll is one thing, and the emotional extortion Dan seems to require is not much fun, either. John Hickenlooper did show up, but when Caplis greeted him at the door, the Mayor said ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’. Dan told Hickenlooper again that it is ‘illogical*’ and ‘goofy*’ of Hick to think that ‘Happy Holidays’ will make people feel more included. Dan yelled that the mayor was ‘trying to expunge God from public life…for political gain*!’ Then Dan declared ‘that’s not what Jesus would do if he were mayor!’, and proceeded to punch Hickenlooper in the nose and slammed the door. Once under way, the dinner party got a little rowdy. When Jake Plummer confronted Dan’s law partner about mocking a fellow-pro football player’s speech patterns in radio parodies, the partner repeated Dan’s ‘whacked*’ comment about Plummer. Jake then proceeded to flip off the law partner at the dinner table. This really made Dan mad, saying Jake should know better as a role model, especially with the kiddy table near by. But when Dan’s uncle the priest flipped off Plummer in retaliation, Dan just laughed and said it reminded him of what his uncle did to hecklers on a Chicago street, when his uncle flipped them off. Dan never mentioned what model is set by a middle-finger-flipping priest. Besides, he can’t help it that his uncle is a man’s man, like all priests he knows, and there was ‘never a hint*’ of impropriety by priests while he was growing up. satirically continued,A Very Caplis Christmas, Part 5 Ken Gordon was there, and said during dinner how nice it was to be invited, but Dan had a lot of nerve to say he treats all radio guests with respect. Ken also said he was glad that since Dan liked to treat him like dirt and put words into his mouth on-air, Dan might as well put food in his mouth, too. Mary Lacy chimed in to Ken that is was better to have words put into your mouth by Dan than to be viciously bad-mouthed by him for years, and even after she apologized for calling Lisa Simpson a victim. Lacy screamed at Dan, ‘Get over it Dan, you shallow twit, that I beat your friend in the DA election! I tried to warn the football program years that this football scandal would happen, and when it did, this is the thanks I get? The Commission Report said the some player-hosts used sex and alcohol to recruit, and the program knew or should have known this happened, and they didn’t do sufficient corrections till 2004! The court of appeals said the Barnett could be found deliberately indifferent to the inadequacy of player hosts. And I do believe that sex and alcohol were used to recruit! What do you want me do, lie under oath, you idiot?’ Dan retorted back that to Lacy: ‘Name changer!’ When Lacy reminded Dan of his own wife’s professional and personal names, and how they can change, and it should be a personal decision, Dan yelled ‘Immoral*!’, then, ‘Whore!’ at Lacy. Simpson and everyone at the whore table were busy in their own conversations and ignored the holier-than-thou Caplis, while all the politicians in the room answered, ‘Yes?’. Then it got even uglier. It was starting to get dark, and the Naked Jogger Priest was anxious to tour the grounds, making everyone a little nervous. Meanwhile, Dan, ever the competitor, was challenging Ward Churchill to the biggest steak in town that Caplis is the bigger bully, and is just as good at making horrible comparisons to murderers, just like Ward. After all, as Dan’s second-favorite personal piñata on public airwaves to Lacy, Caplis compared Osborne to Ted Bundy, who raped and killed at least 30 victims, and was put to death for it. ‘Not bad, huh Ward? I can commit verbal violence just like I accuse you of doing, and I get away with it every day, and my bosses don’t care!’, Caplis said. He continued, ‘I even had a Holocaust academic on the show to criticize you, and she said it is always wrong to compare persons to murderers, and I remained calm and didn’t miss a beat. Heck, I refer to abortion doctors as ‘killers*’, while I sued your buddy Glenn for possibly inciting others. How’s that for nerves of steel big guy?’ Not taking the bait, Churchill left for the back patio for a cigarette, but unfortunately the dog burst out into the back yard along with him, and immediately started doing pirouettes for dog food and rock climbing. The Naked Jogger Priest made a break for the door too, while shedding a few cloths and running off to parts unknown. Caplis commented it was not a problem and that it was ‘pitch dark’ out there, ignoring the well-lit grounds of his palatial estate. satirically continued,
A Very Caplis Christmas, Part 6 The night lingered on, surprisingly with Ken Salazar and Dan staying on best behavior towards one another, though Caplis accused Salazar of simony and therefore profiting from his religion, in votes if not money. Dan’s religious self-promotion, speeches to Catholic groups, Catholic Register affiliation, and other hypocrisies came to Ken’s mind, but it was time for Ken to leave so he remained silent. But when Ken asked for his cowboy hat at the door, and Dan said the hat looked ‘goofy*’, all hell broke loose again. Ken had to remind Dan that San Luis Valley men wore white Stetson’s long before Dan ever owned a pair of cowboy boots, and the only manure that would ever stain Dan’s boots was his own B.S. Dan muttered something about ‘(no) skill set*’, under his breath at Salazar. Salazar told Dan he didn’t have the skill set to legislate without pandering, ironic flag waving, usually used like a weapon against others. Then Ken asked Dan if that was similar to what happened at Dan’s CU student melee, and asked if Dan re-entered the controversial student government meeting swinging a flag pole in a crowded room, before he was then struck down by others. Luckily Ward Churchill, ever the peace maker, stepped in between them before things got worse, and Salazar was on his way. Soon the Christmas party came to a close, with some of the guests mingling and making plans to find the nearest adult or strip club, no matter how far Dan wants it from his own home, to cleanse their palate of any of sickly façade of goodness Caplis tried to paint on what they just experienced. Those who witnessed the events must have wondered what was real and what was not. As with all of Caplis’ strange posturing, it is hard to know what is true and what is the farcical drama of Dan’s World. To the Walter-Mitty-trophy-lifer named Dan Caplis, whether real and embellished, to ponder and shape events to suit his own personal and political gain is all that matters. But I could be wrong, as Dan never is. Happy New Year to all! Other than some actual quotes* of Caplis, this was just satire. The End
Great job. NEWMAN, you had me laughing through the whole dinner party. Best part: tie between "the whore table" and sniffer's heated exchange with Senator Salazar.. Also, from time to time I've suspected silverman's "cowardice under fire" to actually be what you intimated it as.....pragmatism. I've just never thought it through the way you laid it out for us. The way craig went from a lion of a prosecutor to road kill just getting continually pulverized never added up. I will, however, respectfully disagree with one of your observations. In my opinion, formed through 45 years of working in the industrial, blue collar environment, sniffer is not a tough, physical scrapper kind of guy. Simply put, sniffer is a wannabe schoolyard bully that has maybe 2 or 3 "techniques' from which to draw. I mean that both in verbal AND physical confrontations. You have very accurately pointed out his different ways of avoiding questions, assigning "motives" to those disagreeing with him, accusing those he's arguing with of being liars, calling opinion fact and fact opinion, and generally attempting to discredit any opponent as "unamerican", "liberal or "dem" elite", catholic hater, so on and so on. You've painted a great picture of him as a guy with incredible and undeniable "microphone courage". Where we disagree is his courage (lack of it) in real time, real life. Nobody and I mean nobody, no matter how self centered, self aggrandized, and confident, literally self promotes his "man-ness" like this fraud does unless he's so unlike what he's trying to sell himself off as that he's scared to death of being called on it 24-7-365. Tough guys don't have to advertise, pussies do. From his unsearchable " 1976loss in the CU middleweight title fight 'cause the humanitarian in him wouldn't allow him to deliver the knockout punch" tale to the "saving the Denver Police officer's life from the CSU thugs at the CU-CSU game in 2006" scam to the "broke up the "melee" at the slow pitch tournament (who knows what year) by coming out screaming and karate kicking, unnerving 18 potential brawlers" ruse, on and on. No, caplis isn't a fighter. He's a bully. Bullies aren't looking for a fight. They are looking for a victim. All bullies are sissies in hiding. Remember young Jesse Lange from Boulder High School? The perfect example of sniffer thinking he had a child to pummel. When the 17 year old Mr. Lange humiliated him on his own show, sniffer went nuclear, to defcon 5, and reduced himself to the tactics you've described so well, so often. The bully was stood down, exposed, and punked. He reacted like the sissy he is. Senator sniffer, 2010? Don't think so.
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